Saturday, December 01, 2007

Digging in the Dirt

My Dad is really dead. It's hitting me pretty hard today. He's not coming back. This isn't a dream. La vida es sueño y los sueños, sueños son.

I miss him so badly. I had forgotten that I took a photo of him on my cell phone minutes after he died. I found it today. It brought back terrible memories, but I cannot delete it. He left my mother in a terrible position. Nothing is easy right now. There are so many unknowns. The medical bills are staggering. The future is an undiscovered country ruled by a dictator named debt.

I am struggling. I want to ask my dad for advice. He's dead. No one to turn to that I can ask the same kinds of questions. I have two grandpas I could ask, but it's not the same. My dad and I were alike. We were entrepreneurs. The gears were always turning. I don't know anyone like my dad. He was unique in my realm. I miss him so so badly.

This is for real and I fucking hate it.


swampbaby said...

So sorry, Mac. It will get a little easier. Not better, but easier.

chattypatra said...

What can I say? I am so sorry that you are suffering. It sucks.

So many well-meaning people try to say the right thing because they love you, but no words can fill that hole in your heart. That job belongs to the Holy Ghost.

This will be my fourth Christmas without my mother. I could easily curl up into a ball and wither away, but I still have to take care of my father, so I will have to wait until *he* dies. Then I will probably crack.

You have a spouse who loves you, Mac. That is an incredible blessing that I cannot count on. I know it's not the same, but you have somebody to talk to.

Have you thought about writing him a weekly letter as if he had gone off on a full-time mission? I don't know if I said this before, but after my mother died I went to a Hallmark store and bought the 10 most beautiful cards I could find.

Then, every Monday, I would sit down and write her a letter, telling her about the things that were going on at home, and pouring out my heart. I didn't hold anything back, even if it was negative.

I asked her how she was feeling, if she missed us, if she was working hard. I asked her to tell me about her reunion with her parents and dead siblings. I told her I could imagine how happy she felt when she saw them.

And so on...

I did, however, make sure I told her how much I loved her. I sealed those envelopes and kept them in a box. I suppose someone will read them after I die. They really kept me from going nuts.

Maybe you can do that too.

You and your Mom are still in my prayers.

Cindy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cindy said...

Dear Mac,

Our family has been been praying for yours. We love you all! It's an awful feeling to know you're going to miss your dad every day for the rest of your life, and that it's going to be a long time until you see him again. We feel for you. And with your birthday and Christmas coming up soon, the next few weeks are probably going to be especially hard. But please know that we are thinking of you all. And that your dad would not want you to be miserable.

With love, from the Seleys

chattypatra said...

Hey, Mac! I know you feel much better today because our "friend" Hugo lost the referendum. I am so thrilled; had to post about it. I included a picture in your honor, so you can use it as your computer background. Ha!