Monday, October 22, 2007

My Dad

My dad is in a vegetative state. This means that his eyes are open, he responds to basic stimuli, he does not follow commands or requests, he says nothing, he's on kidney dialysis (which is horrifying to watch by the way), and the doctors have no frigging idea what's wrong with him.

I find myself furiously angry. My basic opinion about this whole situation is that somewhere someone fucked up royally and won't admit it.

He has all the symptoms of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, which would be a death sentence. But, my doctorate isn't a medical one, and the odds are against my dad having such a rare disease.

Only a lighter note, I keep having dreams that he wakes up and comes out of this.

I get no solace from my prayers right now. I gave my mom a priesthood blessing yesterday, and I'm sure I felt the Spirit I was grateful for it too, because it's been a long time. I don't feel depressed anymore. I'm just numb, and angry. My dad has received two priesthood blessings, both of which have said that he will recover. My faith is strained at the moment. What happens if he doesn't recover? I find myself stuggling spiritually with the possibility that he might die in spite of having received a blessing of healing. My testimony is fragile right now. But, yesterday when I prayed I had the distinct impression to go and read the Book of Mormon every day for 20 mins. I have been lax with this. When I read it, I never have any doubts. As we read in Alma 32, it's enough to want to believe. I want to believe. Therefore, I do believe. But damnit if it isn't hard sometimes when you feel all alone in the world.

Wake up dad.....please. We're supposed to go fishing in Apalachicola in April.

P.S. I've always been told that Emory Hospital was "the best in Georgia" and all that. My opinion after having been there is it's a total dump. It's filthy and shabby; the doctor was smarmy and didn't respect my mom the way he should've. The hospital in Provo, Utah looks better than Emory...hell, Touro in New Orleans looks better than Emory.


Ryan S. said...

I'm not sure what to say Mac, but please know that you are not alone.

Amanda said...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Mac. We love you and your family.
-The Alldredges