Monday, February 13, 2006


Well it's freezing cold here in New Orleans today. There was frost on the ground this morning, a truly rare sight in these parts. Those who know me well know that I always wear shorts instead of pants unless there is a wedding, a funeral, or an official meeting at church. I'll wear pants for God, death, and marriage, but not much else unless it's bitterly cold. Let me explain why.

If you'll notice what all of these animals and I have in common:

Fat insulates because its high water content slowly gives off heat as the fires of metabolism burn inside every single cell in my body. I will sweat in freezing cold weather. I get tired of telling people that I'm not cold. I'll wear pants for funerals, weddings, and God. Otherwise, it takes a blizzard to get me in pants. Shorts are infinitely more comfortable to a big person because it helps keep the air flowing to all those places where the sun don't shine that yall skinny folks don't ever consider because you don't have them. I can hide cans of coke in parts of my body, and I'm not talking orifices. Those who knew me in middle school may remember how adept I was at smuggling candy into E.T. Booth on special days (field trips, field days, sporting events). No one ever dared frisk under my belly. Shorts keep the air moving and thus me more comfortable. Sometimes my ears get cold, or the edges of my wrists, but mostly I'm warm. I could've never hidden from the Predator in that Scwarzenneggar movie because I glow blood red on infrared monitors. Mickelle says that my Indian-name wouldn't be something cool like Wind In His Hair or Smiles a Lot, but would be "Fire butt" because laying next to me in bed is like having an electric blanket turned on.

So when you see me in shorts and a guayabera when it's cold outside and you have on a scarf, a coat, mittens, and a smug look of superiority, know this: I am warm if not warmer than you are and I am comfortable.

As I write this I am sweating just sitting here. The fires of industry indeed. I lost 4 lbs. last week.


Karie said...


I totally get the "you're warm" thing. What I (Indian name of 'Ice For Toes') will never understand is how your feet don't get cold.

dj-anakin said...

Growing up in a family of big people, I can sympathize, even if i was the skinny on.

Comedian Kevin James talks about this in his stand up act..

"You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?"..."Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?" "